Moving on and doing me was the best revenge
Written by Nhatalya Pagtakhan
We often hear that relationships are not all sunshine and rainbows but we don’t hear how hard they are. We interviewed people on dating — except we asked them about the worst thing they’ve gone through with a partner.
We wanted to share these honest experiences of love. We hope to prove that even though some sad chapters of our lives come from love, we can still come out the other side with a new perspective on life, and we can be better, more loving humans because of them.
Zoe, age 24, shares her long-haul, on-off relationship with her now ex-boyfriend, Derek.
(Responses have been edited for grammar and/or clarity. Names have been changed to preserve anonymity.)
What was the age range of your relationship?
I want to say 17 to 21. Like high school toward the middle of college. It’s been about three to four years, but then there was the “after period” that was weird. Not really in a relationship, just vibes, if you will.
When you look back on that time you two had together, what do you see your relationship was like?
It was very on-brand for your first relationship, like a puppy love. I would say it was more of deep infatuation at some points than even true love ... And in just this very toxic, going back in, falling out type of way. It was more of a learning experience. I know some people think negatively of their first relationship or relationships like that, but I don’t see it as such a bad thing. Honestly, it really made me understand what I wanted and didn’t want in future partners.
What was the hardest thing you two went through together?
Just playing games with each other. We went to different colleges. It was very rocky in the beginning, a lot of “cat and mouse” chasing after each other. It was always almost like the moments where we were apart or fighting for each other were the “good” moments.
Was your relationship always like this when you were still with your ex?
We had English class together during either my freshman or sophomore year of high school, and when I first walked into that class I saw him from across the room. And I said to myself, “That’s the guy I’m taking to prom.” That’s when “the chase” began. I did everything to learn about him. It was almost obsessive ... I learned what he was into, whom he was talking to, his classes, whom he hung with, everything about him.
And then, I started actually getting on his radar. I kind of had this movie moment where my glasses broke, and then everybody at school saw me as this attractive person. They were like, “Oh, how long have you been going here?”
I was like, “Are you f---ing kidding me? I’ve been here for three years, what are you talking about?” So, anyway, I finally got on his radar.
Fast forward, senior prom season was coming around and we had been flirting. He was still talking to other girls, but I was persistent. Prom came around, he started hearing that a lot of guys wanted to take me to prom. There was even this group chat where all of these guys were saying, “She rejected me,” because I said I wanted to take Derek to prom. I was waiting with insanity in my heart because my mindset was, if this dude is not going to ask me, I’ve literally rejected half of my f---ing school.
Those moments of him just playing the game of “Oh, I’m gonna wait” or “planting seeds in the garden [but not further pursuing me]” were just very manipulative. Even when I went away to college, we ended things mutually but then got back together. We even tried to do long distance. It was a lot of makeups, breakups and in-betweens. And it got to a point where it was exhausting.
I want to say it was right before I went away to study abroad that I decided, this is just not gonna work. We’ve been doing this for years now.
That can be really tiring to go through. Can you count on your fingers how many times you were on and off?
Between three and five times. Because there were some times where we were never really “on,” and it kind of fizzled out. But then there were times when we were exclusive. I remember I was talking to guys and flirting, and I would cut them off for Derek and me to be exclusive.
You said you wanted to officially cut him off when you studied abroad?
I mean, there were a few periods where I would put my foot down, and there’s one moment that comes to mind. It was around the holidays. I was at my mom’s house in Indiana and he had called me. He was known for his middle-of-the-night calling me while he was out drinking with his friends on some Drake bootup type toxic s---. It was that type of deal. He’d say, “Oh, I just wanted to check in with you,” and then talk about how he cared about how I was doing. But in actuality, it was just a tactic to keep me within his grasp. I remember answering and not really saying much and going back to bed. I texted him the next day. I was like, “You’ve got to cut that f---ing s--- out. It’s so annoying. You’re wasting my time. I don’t understand why you keep doing this to me.”
When he realized I decided I wasn’t going to be the one that was chasing anymore, he became the pursuer because he could see that I wasn’t going to fall for his act anymore. And that was the one thing I really knew I stuck with. And it was hard because it was my first love. So it was putting my foot down somewhere. I thought, “Maybe you know, I won’t cut him all the way off, but the least that I can do is not be the one that’s chasing after him.” And I did stick with that. And I feel like that’s where I really put my foot down. Eventually, it just fizzled out.
Do you feel like you both just grew older and grew apart? Or ...
He ended up getting into a relationship with another girl. And, you know, I thought, “OK, well, I guess that’s done. Don’t gotta worry about that anymore. He’s seeing someone and it looks like it’s been serious for a while.” So I thought, “You know, that was that.”
But then I was still getting late night phone calls. And I was confused. Like, why the f--- do you care about what I’m doing? You’re in a relationship and have been in a relationship. And I don’t play that s---. Because I knew if somebody did that to me, I’d be livid. And the girl ended up reaching out to me, which is really crazy. “Oh, my gosh,” she said, “stop talking to my man.” I did indulge him one time, but he said he and his girlfriend had split up, and so we met up at a Panera to go over everything before I moved away to New York. She found out about that later and got access to his phone [to confront me], but I’d been in my own relationship for a year at that point. She ended up reaching back out to me after the fact and apologized and told me she respected me for calling Derek out on his [toxic] s---.
Eventually, he ended up unfollowing me on social media because I told her he was playing mind games with me and [it sounds like] not much has changed from the four years ago when I was dating him. She thanked me for warning her. I did notice [on social media] she’s keeping things really low-key with them now because it’s embarrassing to put this guy all over your social media and for him to be out there embarrassing you. I’ve been very quiet about my relationships on social media. Because it’s just like ... Until you’re my husband, you’re a liability.
I can tell you were frustrated and angry at this ex-boyfriend, but did you ever feel sad?
Absolutely. Although, I mean, as a creative person, I feed off energy because it helps motivate me to do better, to push through my work. I move very much on those low vibrations. I allow myself to be put into those torturous moments because I get fueled off of it for creativity. That’s why I call myself the “perfect sad girl,” so for me to currently be in a healthy, happy relationship, creatively I’m hurting, but it’s OK. I reflect on those moments to bring the motivation back in, though.
What does that bring you back to, feeling-wise?
That I’m not enough, or I’m being used, or I keep trying to do everything right and it’s just never enough for the other person. Even seeing him with someone else and asking myself, “Wait, why can’t I be that girl for you?” It was definitely frustrating, and I have gone to therapy several different times for the relationship itself.
Well, obviously you’re not still with this person. But I guess, what else has changed since then? Other than the fact that you’ve moved physically, you’re in a different relationship and this one’s healthier. Would you say you’ve recovered? Would you say he recovered?
I would say I’m definitely still in the healing process. My friends told me to block him. And I felt like I [got my revenge and] made him uncomfortable when I handled the confrontation with his new girlfriend without defending him or needing to contact him. But I was playing the long game because I was like, you f---ed with me for so long. I wanted him to see the inside of my life, how happy I was and how much I was thriving. And I feel like eventually it kind of ripped him to shreds because he will never have access to me in the way that he did. A lot of people even say that the girl he dates now looks like me.
In the end, I feel like he’ll always have to deal with that. Plus, his best friend and I are friends. He will never be able to fully escape from who I was or from knowing me because I’m just that b----. Moving on and doing me was the best revenge. I moved to a new city, got my nice little corporate job. He thought I was gonna be out here crying and begging and I said, “Listen, you forgot who the prize is.” So I definitely feel like I’m healing. I wouldn’t say I’m completely absolved of it because I take it on a day-to-day basis. This is somebody I dated for years. We dated for a long time off and on and even knew each other longer prior to that, so it’s gonna take time. But I’ve noticed I don’t think about him ever, and there was a period where I would think about him literally every day.
There was something about our chemistry. The way we communicated with each other was the most beautiful dance. We got each other. That was one thing I really appreciated about him. I felt like he really saw me and really understood me. But everything else was just a mess.
It’s like, of course, that one person that understands you the most is also the one that can get under your skin the most, too.
Yes, and it’s because of that, because he was the one person that always knew my next move, it’s almost like he lived inside of my head. And, of course he was a f---ing Gemini. He was off with the winds. I appreciated him for his essence and just the mystery that he brought, that’s what kept me running after him. But after a while the mind games get old.
In hindsight, what do you wish you would have done differently, if anything?
I just wish I would have respected myself more, valued myself more. I grew up insecure, but at the same time, I was a very powerful person. I kind of let my insecurities get the best of me and hold me in that situation for so long. It was also my first relationship. I went through a deep boy-hater phase where my mom taught me, “Boys are bad, all they want to do is have sex with you and give you babies, don’t let them get in your head.” And so I was a b---- to every guy I ever knew because “my mom told me all y’all want to do is have sex with me and I’m not checking for it all.” And so finally, I let my guard down and started letting guys in when I met Derek. [But at the same time, I also had to] build a fake persona, where people didn’t really know who I was, the vulnerability for me was a no-no. Everybody thought I was this experienced, knowledgeable person, even though I didn’t lose my virginity till I was well into college. Honestly, having that false persona allowed me to break through the whole “fake it till you make it.” And I feel like that really worked for me when it came to my insecurities and learning how to take control of things. I just wish I would have loved myself more and saw the value in who I was and what I was worth outside of the male gaze.
Going off of that, do you wish that your ex had done anything differently? Or do you believe this happened for a reason?
I would have liked to have known Derek’s real intentions. Because I think of myself as a person that can take criticism, I can take honesty. I’d rather you rip off the Band-Aid than you trying to tell me something that you think is going to protect my feelings, or prolonging things because I could always tell when he was [losing interest]. I could predict the roller coaster stage that we were on. I’m like, “Oh, he’s gonna get ready to start coming back.” Or, “Oh, he’s starting to act weird again, it’s happening again.” I just wish he would have been better about communicating with me instead of prolonging [the relationship], or making me have to put the puzzle pieces together. I feel like that would have been nice to not have him drag things on, which just put me through more distress.
Yeah. I love that mindset. Just to rip the Band-Aid off and be honest with somebody these days is really tough.
It’s very tough. And it’s scary. And it hurts because a lot of us, even though we think we’re hard-a--es, we don’t want to hurt people intentionally. That’s why a lot of things are done behind closed doors. Because once you have to tell that person face-to-face, that’s scary, [especially if] you got a long rapport with them, it just makes it all the harder, you know.
What did you learn about yourself from that adversity that you both went through together? Any advice you have for your 17-year-old self?
I would say step back into that boy-hater phase, a little bit. I feel like I came out of it too quickly and went full fledged boy-crazy. I feel like it would have been because I really let a lot of those relationships affect me on a mental and physical level. My grades were dropping, I was antisocial. I wish it wouldn’t have affected so much of who I was to the point of not even being able to function, because never should a person be able to have that much power over you. At the end of the day, you’re all you got. It’s just you at the end of day, you got to take care of yourself. Because that person’s gonna go out, they’re gonna talk to other girls, they’re gonna move on, they’re gonna live their lives, they’re hanging out with their bros, they’re doing what they want to do. And you’re sitting in your room sulking for what? What is this doing for you? Get up, go hang out with your friends and start the healing process. Start taking care of yourself, start focusing on yourself. Or even taking that energy and putting it into something practical, pouring it back into yourself. Because to extend that much energy to someone that does not value you is more damaging to yourself than anything. So I would say that’s probably the advice I would give myself.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
Header photo by Allef Vinicius via Unsplash
This article was originally published on Parachute Media
