Addressing retroactive jealousy in relationships
Part of being human is experiencing emotions we identify as uncomfortable or negative, like jealousy. This green-eyed monster shows up commonly when we’re with someone and they’re doing something that makes us feel envious, protective of a partner or suspicious of something they do.
We talk a lot about jealousy in the present, but what about jealousy that you feel toward a partner’s past? This feeling of insecurity over a significant other’s past romantic decisions before you started dating or even knew each other is called retroactive (or retrospective) jealousy.
Retroactive jealousy (RJ) vs. “straight up” jealousy
If the jealousy is rooted in things your partner did before you two me, before you two started dating or any time in between your defined exclusivity, that is retroactive jealousy. However, if it’s about a current perceived “threat” then it’s just straight-up present jealousy.
Why we should talk more about this kind of jealousy
It’s familiar to most of us to talk about present things that happen between you and your partner, good and bad. Consequently, I rarely hear my friends talk about things they’re angry their partner did before they became exclusive, or between break and getting back together. Maybe retroactive jealousy is less talked about because there’s a stigma that the person with RJ is a “helicopter” partner, they’re overly jealous, they’re going to be/they are a controlling partner, they’re a critical partner or something along those lines. Regardless, I think we should talk more about it to squash our fears that there’s something wrong with us who think about the past in this way and maybe talking about it will help us get over the past so we can live in the present with our partner, worry-free.
What can happen if we don’t move on from retroactive jealousy?
If you’re a naturally worrisome person or negative-leaning thinker, it can be hard to push away the thoughts of your person doing something without your approval (even if it was when you two weren’t together). However, staying in that place of gloomy thoughts can make it more daunting to talk to your partner about, especially the longer you ruminate.
Without talking about retroactive jealousy, your relationship might be at risk for decreased trust, intimacy or relationship satisfaction. There also might be more fighting, and unintentionally wanting more control over your partner (in hopes of preventing them from doing something to make the jealous partner stressed/resentful).
What do to if you’re the RJ partner
If you’re the partner who’s finding it hard to let go of the things your other half did when you two weren’t together, firstly know that you’re not alone! There are a lot of reasons you might be feeling this way, too, whether it be an internal/mental worry you must overcome yourself, or it’s something external that you and your partner should talk about to increase relationship trust/security.
Talk about it with your partner ... ASAP. Like I said before, it’s going to be easier to have the conversation while it’s still fresh, also so it doesn’t appear out of the blue. Nerves with a chat like this are normal, however, the hope is that you’ll feel better by talking it out and expressing your fears clearing the air between you and your partner.
Self-care outside of your relationship is crucial at this time. And, it teaches you to self-regulate, which can strengthen your mental security and resilience, and reduce worrisome, anxious or jealous-leaning tendencies. Exercise, journalling, even talking out loud to your favorite stuffed animal ... anything else that’s worked for you in the past to work through negative feelings can still work for you in feelings of retroactive jealousy.
Last resort: Talk to a friend/mentor/family member, even consider talking to a therapist. If the envy is so bad that it impacts your day-to-day life and/or mood, or your desire to control them (to prevent you from feeling jealous) is severe, talking it out to someone who has a new perspective/can bounce ideas off of can help you find new ways to cope with your feelings or help you work them out.
And if you’re the partner whose past is in question ...
You never know how your past actions will impact your present and future life options. But, if you see your former actions and decisions as regretful or life lessons you had to learn, tell your partner that. They want you to be truthful and open, and showing them there’s nothing to hide can put their anxieties at ease.
Being supportive through their upset can help them get past feelings of jealousy and bitterness toward you, even if you feel like your past has nothing to do with your current relationship. Support them by telling and showing them that that isn’t you anymore, and that they have nothing to worry about, now.
Also, being patient can be difficult because you just want your relationship to move forward since the past is the past. Being patient is especially tougher when you believe there’s nothing to worry about/the past is something irrational to be upset about. But keep in mind that, for your partner, retroactive jealousy can sometimes feel like a real, current problem that’s a perceived threat. Nevertheless, support and patience is all you need to give your person, and the rest they need to do on their own. If they’re right for you, the partner’s hope is to eventually get past these feelings of jealousy so your relationship can move forward.
Even when you’re supporting your person, don’t forget that you also need to set boundaries for yourself, too. If your partner is ruminating about your past decisions, it may get to a point where you feel mentally exhausted from trying to help them feel secure (i.e., you feel like you’re having too many conversations about the past, or the other person is taking too long to get over it). At that point, you ask them to work on their jealousy apart from you. It’s only fair that once you’ve explained yourself and done your best to make the other person feel secure while still keeping your cup full, that it’s the other person’s responsibility to move forward or work through potential internal battles they’re going through.
So while some believe the past is the past, there are a few that still ruminate about the potential risks of letting the past go. Holding on too tight, though, can feel like pain if you can’t let things slide, so learning to deal with and overcome retroactive jealousy can help you feel secure and get to a place of present happiness and relationship satisfaction with your person once you get better control of your jealousy and allow yourself and your partner to both be happy with where your relationship currently is.
If you want more tips on how to overcome retroactive jealousy, check out Canadian researcher Zachary Stockill’s book Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner's Past and Finding Peace
Header photo by Budgeron Bach via pexels
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