Living at home as an adult: experiences from Asian-American family
So, you’re stuck at home because you wanted to save money and not live in the dorms. Or, maybe your parents are helping you pay for college, so to save both of your money, you agreed you’d live at home to ease the monetary burden. As someone who lived with her parents for the latter half of her education, I’d like to think I’ve experienced the many struggles of an adult college student who lives with their parents, especially as a Filipino American with strict parents.
Here are some of the things you may encounter, and here’s also how to get through living with your parents in a POC house.
The lines blur between what’s your responsibility and theirs.
Some families strongly value teaching their kids early responsibility, but it’s becoming more common to have the adults of the family do more chores. If you're part of the latter generation, you used to have more time to do homework and participate in extracurriculars, but you also might not have a great “chore-related” work ethic. And that didn’t matter much in K-12 school, but now that you’re going to college, all of a sudden your family might start nagging you to put in more share of chores, causing friction.
You may feel like it’s OK to slack off on chores because you live with your parents, but as a college student, you’re a damn adult whether you like it or not (respectfully). You can make time to clean your bathroom, take out the trash and wash your own dishes. It only takes an hour of your time a week, two at most. Managing responsibility like this also makes your parents more likely to view you as an adult rather than their baby again.
There’s like ... no food in the house.
Because your parents are probably working a little extra to pay for your education and basic needs, they have limited time to make you food now. You’re either left to beg them to make a home-cooked meal/buy you ingredients so you can whip up a quick Top Ramen, or ask for a little dough so you can go buy it yourself. It never hurts to ask, right? In reality, all it does is turn into an argument that you should be able to pay for your own food, or make it all without their help by now.
If you don’t have the time for cooking, save a little of your money for you to buy takeout or instant/frozen foods you can heat easily at home. Don’t forget snacks, too. For meals at school, mooching off your friends that have meal points at university dining is a must, just don’t forget to pay them back in a different way as a tip of appreciation, like giving them a ride to Target.
Another tip? Remember that you can always make the most of what your family already has in their kitchen. So next time you look in the fridge and all you see are eggs, ketchup and milk, don’t be afraid to start up the rice cooker and snoop for some frozen veggies to steam. You’ll surely find your way to a meal eventually.
Interrogations. Nonstop.
Always be prepared to answer the questions you know are coming: What are you doing? Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time are you coming back?
Your parental figures ask these questions because they care about your safety, even if it feels like they’re trying to make your life harder. Be as patient as you can be with your family, because the more resistance you have to answering their questions, the harder it’s gonna be to get out the door to your activities.
They lack trust in you until they know you’re gonna make it through college.
Their money is going toward a risky investment (i.e., you). So they fear they’re wasting money down the drain if you look disengaged, your grades are falling or you don’t seem to be contributing anything valuable to them, whether it be time or monetarily-based value.
Bottom line: If there isn’t much you can do to convince them you’re working hard, just be patient and set boundaries with them on when you feel like you can take a lecture or not. You might be able to convince them to let you have more and more freedom as you increase your responsibility or keep proving your grades are up, but be prepared to wait for 100% freedom to do whatever you want. Otherwise, you’re never going to hear the end of it when it comes to your family nagging you to focus on finishing school before you “go wild”/have fun.
Expect to fight a lot.
Everything becomes a battle, whether it be about romance, friendships you have, responsibilities or why you’re not spending time with your family like you used to. This could be because your parents aren’t yet accustomed to the fact that you’re mentally growing out of the teenage/child version they see of you.
It’s an adjustment for everyone, but try to create boundaries in the amount of time you spend for your family and chores versus the time you spend as a college student, including homework, partying and hanging out with your friends. Your home life and student life can co-exist, but expressing to your parents that you have these new activities outside of your home and vicinity will help them better understand you and your need to be a little more free.
When it comes to arguing about any of these topics, keep a firm ground that you will only talk to them about certain topics at certain times. Your relationship with your parents can take a hit if you’re raising your voices right before bed or right before you’re about to leave the house. While sticking to your boundaries, also give them grace.
Once you graduate, everything’s good once again.
After graduating, your parents will be so proud of you, even if they don’t say so. Don’t forget to thank them for helping you get through college and for being there for you in terms of basic needs. You may need therapy from the trauma you’ve experienced as an at-home college student, but hopefully somewhere deep down you’ll always love your family for better or for worse, just as they’ve loved you for being their child.
