Growing into my independent self
The majority of my life, I’ve always been dependent on other people. Whenever I had creative freedom in school, I looked over shoulders of others to copy so I didn’t feel “stupid” or embarrassed. In general, a lot of my school memories have to do with fears of not having friends that would partner/group with me during projects or that I wouldn’t make any friends in classes.
I’ve been able to tone down feelings and tendencies like this as an adult, but I still think part of me relies on other people to live comfortably. I’ve started working on overcoming my self-proclaimed dependent personality, and while it’s uncomfortable at times, I know this means there’s room for self-growth and development.
What do I mean by dependent personality?
Clinically, I’d need a Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (also known as the DSM-5) and a physician to actually diagnose a dependent personality disorder. Personally, though, I’m talking about the fact that I am a more reliant person on others’ decisions.
Someone with a more dependent personality relies on others more than “usual,” which is a loaded word, but I’ve always needed people more than I want to need them. More examples from my personal life included when:
I’ve relied on others to help me decide things for me like what college I should have gone to, or whether or not I should cut my hair.
I’ve dragged my sister with me to events or errands because I desperately needed others there with me, rather than going out on my own.
I used to have a hard time completing tasks until an external motivator got me to move: My boyfriend called me to check how my day was going. I wouldn’t have gotten anything done until I received that call from him.
While to some people these behaviors may not be so bad, I’ve come to realize that I can’t wait on others to help me “do life.” Instead, I want to do life for myself.
Why I’m addressing this in myself
I know most of my loved ones wouldn’t care/notice my dependency on them in my life, but having to rely on others for my security and happiness my whole life was mentally exhausting. Of course, having others to lean on in times of need can be recognized as having a strong support system. Simultaneously, I know that at some point I need to be able to look in the mirror and be satisfied with who I am and the life I’m currently living as an individual, separately from my friends and loved ones and what they think of me.
Ways I’ve been practicing independency
Finding hobbies I can do alone. I used to play piano from grades three to 12. It was my way of getting away from school (and boys, if they were a stressor). Now that I’m working full time, I try to find even a minute at the piano working on technique with some scales or a melody I like.
Making time for myself and planning to do things alone. On my days away from others, I write a list of chores and/or hobbies I can complete and do when I’m by myself. Not only does it give me direction and purpose, but going “into the unknown” (in regard to being independent) helped me ease my anxieties about being by myself. To me, planning for me-time makes it less “scary” to be alone because I’m expecting it.
Practicing self-gratitude! I still look forward to seeing my friends/making plans with others, but I also find time to be thankful for my own peace. When I gained independence, I also gained self-assurance and security, so why have self-gratitude for gaining that power?
Learning and re-learning the difference between loneliness rather than being alone was tough at times. Finding my balance between my individuality and creating interdependency with others has made me a more mature person and uplifted my confidence in finding my truest self.
Header photo by Vlada Karpovich
