13 women and nonbinary POC share their relationship red flags
In relationships, red flags are the things we watch out for. They’re our warning signs — indicators that it’s either time to have serious conversations and make compromises or run the other way. Most of the time, they’re preferences on how we want someone not to act or be. Whether it’s in regards to a friend, partner or even a co-worker, we all have deal-breakers that personally define our ideal, healthy relationship dynamics.
Red flags can be based off of your past relationships or from watching other people’s relationship experiences. Say for example, you broke up with a partner who forced you into activities you didn’t really like. Moving forward, a “red flag” you may have is people that have controlling tendencies. Or maybe, you grew up watching your parents fight about irresponsible spending. In the future, you might avoid being with people who are hasty spenders.
We come up with red flags as a way of setting boundaries with others. If people possess these red flags, we may decide to discontinue the relationship or communicate about how to avoid or work through these red flag/deal-breaker traits.
So, what are some relationship deal-breakers the people we interviewed have come up with? If you’re looking for a sign that you shouldn’t be spending your time in a certain relationship, here are a few red flags you may want to look out for.
Commitment issues and poor relationships
The biggest red flag many women and nonbinary people of color came up with had to do with commitment or issues with partners not showing enough interest in them. Ways they may exhibit a lack of interest could be if you’re the one always texting first, or the other person doesn’t want to have phone or video calls with you. Depending on what a person’s love language is, they may show you love/attention differently, but if they’re not able to show you love in a way you perceive it, this can be a deal-breaker for some.
Another possible red flag in this category could be not having tangible or long-lasting friendships. People who haven’t been able to maintain relationships with others for long periods of time are tricky to navigate because there’s always the possibility that your relationship could also be cut short due to this person’s inability to commit. People perceive that those who maintain friendships/good relations with family are more likely to maintain strong romantic relationships, so not having long-term previous friendships can indicate to some that they aren’t relationship material.
Poor boundaries
Whether dating in real life or online, someone you date should respect your boundaries. If you tell someone “no” and they keep trying to convince you into doing something, they’re not being fair to you at all.
“If they can’t respect a simple boundary, they won’t respect the most important ones.” — H.C.
Another sign of poor boundaries is someone who doesn’t let you have “me-time” or see your friends. If these things are important to you, another person shouldn’t stop you from maintaining your other relationships out of jealousy or control. This brings us to the next point.
Being controlling
Examples of this that came up were friendships, clothing or partners who want to know where you are at all times. If you’re a person who needs space, a person has a red flag when they’re constantly asking what you’re doing or you notice they’re suggesting/coercing you into following their direction rather than doing what you really want to be doing.
They’re untrustworthy
Got a sus partner? If someone does something that makes you question their truthfulness and honesty, this can break the basic bond of a relationship. Trust should be a basic need of both you and your partner, and if one person doesn’t trust the other, this can break down communication, intimacy and the connection you and a person have. Specifically from the responses sourced from our community, someone turning their phone away from you or keeping it off when you’re around can be a sign of secrecy. Sure, silencing your phones together for quality time can be nice, but if someone is taking extreme measures to avoid you having access to their phone, this can be a sign of being untrustworthy.
Other red flags
Here are some direct quotes about other red flags that you shouldn’t ignore:
“If they or the people around them only talk about their “potential,” and ignore their actual patterns.” — Anonymous
“If they talk over you frequently.” — Anonymous
“Immediately getting defensive when confronted with problems.” — Anonymous
“Not owning up to mistakes, and blaming others for faults. Not being self-reflective.” — Anonymous
“Being so self-deprecating it’s manipulative.” — Anonymous
“If they don’t tell friends/family about your relationship.” — Anonymous
“Abuse, whether physical, verbal, emotional, mental … abuse is abuse.” — Anonymous
“Having different values than you do.” — Anonymous
“Undercover misogynists.” — T.O.
“If they treat waiters or anyone in the service industry poorly.” — N.C.
“If you even for a second have to question their intentions/if they care, it’s a no.” — A.E.
“If they are overly dependent on you, and need attention 24/7.” — W.T.
If someone in your life is displaying any of these traits/characteristics, it may be time to re-consider whether they’re worth keeping around in your life. It may be tough at first to let them go, but looking at the person as a whole and having the awareness to evaluate their impact on your life can help you get rid of relationships that no longer serve you. Don’t let the people with red flags in your life keep you from living your best one.
This article was originally published on Parachute Media
