5 steps for setting healthy boundaries
By Alicia Casey
You’re not a terrible person for setting boundaries. In fact, setting boundaries is actually one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationships. When you give bits and pieces of your mental energy away, sometimes it’s difficult to notice when your emotional tank is running on empty. To be the best caretaker for yourself, you must challenge yourself to become comfortable with embracing your innate assertiveness and practicing radical self-compassion. Yes, the two go hand in hand.
If you’re ever wondering whether setting boundaries makes you a less interesting and enticing person in your relationships, the truth is that it’s the exact opposite; you actually become more of a spectacle to be around.
To set boundaries with others, you first have to look inward and get close to your wants and needs. After this, you set yourself on the path to making clear-minded decisions around your relationship, which will further assist you in making boundaries that last. Here’s a step-by-step guide for setting boundaries to help you find inner peace and absorb more beautiful moments in your relationships because you deserve to have your needs heard and met.
1. Ask yourself to dig deep
Questions like “How do I feel after interacting with this person?” “Why do I feel uncomfortable in this situation?” and “What behaviors bother me?” “Did I feel disrespected?” or “Have I felt overwhelmed by the person’s expectations?” are some ideas that are essential to reflect on and assess so you can understand what’s bothering you about the relationships you’re in. Getting in touch with the “how” and “why” of your emotions is a complex process that takes time, energy and patience. Because of this, it’s important that you give yourself the grace and stillness to sit with your feelings so you can grow from what they’re telling you.
2. Make note of your needs
Help yourself through this by using the paper method. Grab a blank page, fold it in half and draw a vertical line through the center to separate the left and right sides. On the left side, write the names of the people in your life with whom you want to set boundaries with. On the right side, jot down why you’ve decided to take action. From there, turn the paper over and rewrite the names on the left half, but this time, on the right half, write out how you are going to communicate the boundary to the other individual. This will help you set the intention for a healthy boundary moving forward.
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3. Crafting a boundary statement
To create an effective boundary statement, remember that your request needs to be straightforward and clear with no room for ambiguity. With that in mind, it should add to the relationship by encouraging it to grow rather than create a feeling of emotional distance, or tension. It’s recommended that your boundary focuses on what you need to happen in the relationship instead of going into the specific details of what you don’t like about the relationship. Here are some examples of healthy boundary language: “I appreciate the invite, but my time is already committed,” “I won’t be able to, let me connect you with someone who will” and “No, I won’t be able to.”
4. Seeing your practice in action
When setting your boundary, be respectful and considerate of the other person. You are setting a relationship limit and can express your needs in a kind manner. Remember to be assertive but approachable. Be ready with your ask and open to receiving feedback. Replying in a calm tone is a great way to show you’ve thought about the boundary and are fully on board with enforcing it to improve the quality of the relationship, not end it. When reinforcing your ask at later times, hold these three tips close:
1. Restate your request.
2. Have reasonable consequences for the boundary being disrespected.
3. Stick to mentioning only the repercussions you will hold yourself accountable for enforcing.
5. After the conversation
Congratulations on following through on your practice — that couldn’t have been an easy thing to do. Sometimes it can feel like setting boundaries is an uphill battle since it requires close attention and hard work, so you have to be gentle with yourself in the aftermath.
A simple and effective way that you can extend love to yourself post-boundary setting is by looking up a 10-minute meditation video on YouTube. Watching the video will help you release any built-up mental tension from the interaction so that you can settle back into yourself.
You are the one person you should be able to count on in your life, and implanting boundaries is a tried and true method to help you tap into your inner strength. It encourages you to evaluate your wants and needs so you can be a better friend to yourself and a more present human around others.
When you start focusing on yourself and set clear limits for how you let others treat you, then you can enter a path of life that allows for more self-love, inner peace and meaningful time spent with others. So no, boundaries are not the ugly duckling of relationships, boundaries are beautiful and they are the reason you can live your life the way you choose with the expectations you set. Anyone else who says otherwise doesn’t understand the profound and life-changing power they hold. And I hope that someday soon they learn, too, because everyone could use the extra dose of happiness boundaries give to daily life. Once you try them, you won’t go back, or want to.
Header photo by Samson Katt / Pexels
