Red, green & yellow flags in your relationships

By Bryanna Cuthill

In the age where one of the hottest trends on social media is admitting your biggest icks in a potential partner, it can be challenging to differentiate between red flags and pet peeves. While green text bubbles, Apple Music user vs. Spotify user, doesn’t know their zodiac and knows their zodiac are all common traits of my failed romantic encounters, those are more annoyances than actual red flags.

Don’t get me wrong, my friends joke all the time how I must be color blind, or how red is my favorite color, and I’ll admit that sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of someone or the routine of a relationship that I make the most ridiculous excuses in order to avoid a breakup.

We’re heading into summer and while for some that ignites the hot girl in you, for me it fuels that hopeless romantic that yearns for kisses at sunset, spontaneous road trips and steamy pool moments. So knowing that I am likely to write off warning signs as icks, I figured it was about time to go through the red, yellow and green flags in relationships to avoid a summer filled with toxicity.

Red flags

These go beyond TikTok’s icks and pet peeves, but are some serious red flags that should cause you to reflect if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in and if you shouldn’t perhaps exit the situation and wait for someone that is better and that you are more compatible with.

1. Emotional unavailability

If they cannot open up to you and make jokes when you do, this may create a lack of emotional connection and trust that will result in fights and misunderstandings. So, perhaps they need a therapist more than a relationship.

2. Makes you feel like a burden

It’s important that your partner holds you accountable but also understands that you have flaws and need some TLC (tender, love and care) from time to time. So in your moment of need they make you feel like a chore, block their number.

3. Pushes boundaries

You want someone that will push you out of your comfort zone and make you try new things, but if that goes beyond snorkeling for the first time or trying sushi, this is a pretty significant warning sign that need not be ignored.

4. Possessive

It’s a great feeling when someone is excited to introduce us to their friends and family, but if they show little interest in the important people in your life and start telling you what you can and can’t do, this is a big, big, big no and it’s time to get out before you accept it as normal.

5. Inconsistent

If they are hot and cold and you cannot get a read on how they actually feel, drop them. Your time is valuable and you are not at Disney World, so don’t get in line to board his emotional roller coaster.

6. Narcissist

It’s important to prioritize self-care when you have a significant other so you can be the best you in your relationship. However, if it’s all about them and you’re the only one compromising and making sacrifices, it’s time for you to show them the door.

7. Constant fighting

If every little thing becomes an argument or they take your needs of them as a personal attack, they may not be emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship, and you deserve more than walking on eggshells around them.

8. “I’m not into politics”

If you are old enough to vote but don’t pay attention to what is going on when there are more mass shootings than days in a year, proposed marriage bans against interracial couples and banning of proper sexual health education, your negligence isn’t cute.

9. Uses Snapchat as main source of communication

There is something about a man in their 20s that uses an app where everything disappears as their main source of communication that sketches me out. Almost as if they don’t want any evidence of your relationship. Just some food for thought.

10. If they’re any of the icks or ists

No, this is not the leaving used dental floss on the couch, but also ew. I’m talking about if they are homophobic, transphobic, racist, misogynistic, anti-sementic, etc. There are no excuses to be made, they must go.

*Note: You can find resources on domestic violence and abuse at the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

Yellow flags

Now, yellow flags are things to monitor. They definitely do not warrant a breakup, but maybe take a pause and file that information for later in case the yellow starts transitioning to red.

1. Lack of long-term relationship experience

There always has to be a first and this might mean they’re just super picky about who they date, but with lack of experience also comes a learning curve and it’s OK if you don’t want to be the girl that teaches them how to be a significant other.

2. Doesn’t open up often

We cannot all be open books, but if time after time they avoid getting deep, this may not be your perfect match.

3. Takes thing quickly

When you know, you know, and I hope one day my partner tells the story that they knew after our first date. However, you have to be aware that moving quickly is different than love bombing, which can be a slippery slope into red flag territory.

4. Has a close relationship with their ex

Obviously there are expectations for middle school relationships, or oops-summer-fling moments with family friends. But if they had a serious long-term relationship and their name keeps coming into conversation, you are not wrong to have tingling spidey senses.

5. Cannot remember details about you

I get it, you cover a lot of topics on the first date, but if you guys are consistently seeing each other and they cannot remember your birthday, that might be a sign of the level of care they are putting into your relationship.

6. Unemployed

Obviously there are some expectations to this: still in school, contract worker, on medical leave, etc. But if they are just unmotivated individuals who have no drive, this very well may cause a problem if you get past date three or four.

7. Always late

Coming from someone who runs late, I have to provide some grace. But lateness can show a lack of interest and that they’ve stopped trying to maintain your relationship.

8. Reminds you of an ex

Now trust me, we all have types, and I’m one to stick to that, but if they have tendencies that were the cause of your last breakup, it might be time to get off that train.

9. Makes decisions that impact both you by themselves

If they are deciding between grad school that is in your city vs. five states away or a new job offer that would cause them to travel most weekdays and don’t talk to you about options to make it work, you might want to discuss the longevity of your relationship.

10. Doesn’t know the difference between to, too and two

This might be the writer in me, but there is something about a grown adult not knowing basic grammar that will prevent me from fully falling in love.

*Photo by* *August de Richelieu* / *Pexels*

Green flags

Not to get ahead of myself because I’ve dated some people who could be Oscar-nominated actors ... these are some very promising signs that it might be time to let yourself get excited.

1. Listens and communicates well

If they are able to listen to your concerns without interruption, they then will actually be able to process and respond in a meaningful way. If they can also verbalize their thoughts and concerns and don’t just sweep it under the rug, that’s a foundation for a long-lasting healthy relationship.

2. Has empathy and isn’t afraid to be vulnerable

It can take time to open up to others, but once you both get comfortable, it’s important that your partner is able to be vulnerable with you and show empathy when you are opening up to them about something.

3. Is self-aware

Being able to take criticism without making it a personal attack is huge! Bonus points if they can talk about exes and don’t bash them but acknowledge the fault they played into the breakup.

4. Isn’t afraid to hurt your feelings

Your partner should be able to call you on your b******* and not be afraid to hurt your feelings, but the catch is they must also be prepared to help provide support while you take steps to develop as a human being.

5. Is patient

If your partner can calm you down in moments of anxiety or accept that it takes 45 minutes to choose a movie, keep them. Plus, if you’re someone that wants to have kids, patience is going to be vital.

6. Engaged in relationship and still tries to impress you

As your relationship progresses and you settle into a routine, it’s easy to lose the spark. So, it’s a major green flag if your significant other still tries to surprise you every once in a while and make you feel wanted every day.

7. Treats you, your friends and others with respect

While I hope they would be treating you with respect, someone’s true colors show with how they treat people they don’t have to deal with every day. So if your boo tips well and always says please and thank you, you got yourself a good one.

8. Maintains their own life and encourages you to do the same

While it’s great to find activities you can do together, you both should still keep doing the hobbies that you are passionate about. And if he encourages you to do that, let me know if he has a brother.

9. You feel safe, comfy and they’re easy to be around

While this seems so small, if you feel like you can share every part of yourself with this person without judgment, that shouldn’t be discredited.

10. Accommodates you and is considerate

Sometimes it’s the little things like sniffing the milk before pouring it into your cereal bowl or letting you eat their dessert if you like it more than yours. This is a good indication they are thinking about you not just when you’re in front of them, but also when you’re not around.

Now, before I sign off, it’s important to state that as we get older, we have battle scars and sometimes there are periods of uncomfortableness and you adjust to your partner’s needs. Don’t make rushed decisions or throw in the towel if there is a true spark and care for each other. Remember, what’s meant for you will not pass you by and if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

Header photo by Keira Burton / Pexels