How to care for yourself while recovering from a breakup
By Gabby J.
Heartbreak is a tale as old as time. For as long as humanity has existed, jealousy, grievance, loss and betrayal have brewed in the backgrounds of our love lives and resulted in parting ways. We have all been there. Whether it’s a platonic situation or a relationship that has gone up in flames, it hurts all the same. Feelings of loss consume you, attachment issues bubble over and the mind automatically goes to a dark place. Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, losing someone you’re that close to can do major emotional damage.
What exactly happens to your health during a breakup? Obviously breakups can mess with our heads, but research shows that a breakup can also have immediate and lasting effects on your physical health. All of these physical reactions stem from the brain’s sudden change in neurotransmitters. The end of a meaningful relationship can actually affect the release of hormones and neurotransmitters which throws off any chances of your body successfully resting in homeostasis. Crashing serotonin levels results in less restful sleep (perhaps less sleep in general) and lowers overall desire to perform regular daily tasks. Increased stress hormones just might result in high anxiety, acne, jacked-up blood pressure and a weaker immune system. As if the emotional anguish wasn’t enough, our bodies grieve alongside our brains.
Luckily, now that you’re all alone (sorry to remind you), you have plenty of time to tend to your own needs. In so many ways, it may feel uncomfortable and painful, but lean into the fact that you deserve healing and happiness. Moving forward starts with the first step.
Physical health
If you focus on physical health, your mental health will eventually follow as your body regulates. This means you should avoid ingesting anything that your body may consider a toxin — to the best of your abilities, of course. Excess amounts of alcohol, weed and junk food are all examples of items that can interrupt your healing process as your body has to work harder and focus its healing energy into recovering your liver or hangxiety.
To promote top function and peak physical performance, focus on getting good exercise, adequate amounts of healthy sleep and meals that are rich in vitamins and minerals. Your body (and brain) will thank you.
Care for your inner child
At the stages when you’re really down bad, research shows that it helps to treat the part of you that’s hurting like a small child that needs soothing. It may sound a little abstract, but this is something that has really helped me. Studies show that “parts mapping” and IFS therapy can help us to compartmentalize our negative feelings and where they stem from.
When I was crying on the couch about losing who I thought was the love of my life (big, retrospective sigh), I asked myself gently, “What’s hurting you so bad, sweetheart?” To which I was able to respond and identify that I was grieving loss in a natural way but I would be OK. Talking to myself like the emotionally in-tune adult I never had assisted me in realizing I am deserving of happy, healthy connections — and they are still out there waiting for me. Even if your messages to yourself are a bit cliche or seem hard to believe, talking to yourself nicely is always a wonderful first step.
Self-care
Once you emotionally regulate and you’re no longer choking back tears at work, it’s time to pour so much energy into making yourself the best you that you can be. And don’t do it for revenge, the attention of other suitors or any reason other than loving yourself. The intention of your self-care should be just that — for yourself. What has helped me is to make a daily to-do list, where I’m sure to write down one of each of these activities:
Something that brings you joy. (Stay away from bad habits.)
Something that nurtures you.
Something that helps you process your emotions. (Did someone say therapy?)
The tricky part is doing the work to find out what you need and want those activities to be. Maybe it’s signing up for the dance class that you were always too afraid to try, or maybe it’s as simple as going for a walk and journaling. It’s up to you to try out new activities and discover yourself.
Ask for help and seek connections
For some, this tactic can be the most daunting, but it’s also the most necessary. Whether you’re ready to make new friends (or reconnect with old ones), jump back into dating or pursue therapy, vulnerable human connection is an essential part of the healing process. Now, that doesn’t mean trauma dump on all your homies or become a serial dater who obsesses over being alone. No, we’re not here to use up the time, energy and attention of others (that’s quite literally what we pay a therapist for). Be sure you do the work to dig deep within yourself and reach out to others and lean on them. Being secure in yourself leads to healthy, secure attachments.
Therapy is one thing that has truly brought me peace. I can say that as a woman with vulnerability issues (even talking about it is weird to me), having a third party to listen and discuss my inner issues has been a game changer. I’m super private and I consider knowledge of my inner feelings to be a great privilege, so if you struggle with those same issues, I cannot stress therapy enough.
Remind yourself
While it’s easy to look back on everything with rose colored lenses — and not to mention, cathartic at times — don’t forget to keep telling yourself how amazing and strong you are. Remind yourself who you are, remind yourself you aren’t alone and remind yourself why it’s over in the first place. Remembering all of the bad, unhealthy parts of a dead relationship is what keeps me going to find better. It’s OK if you need to remind yourself multiple times a day. You are not weak, you are simply vulnerable and healing. Remind yourself that everyone’s journey is unique, complex and takes a different amount of time for us all. Most of all ... remind yourself that you got this!
Header photo by Alena Darmel / Pexels
