Black women on the challenges of interracial dating
Written by Jailynn Taylor
What do Serena Williams and Vice President Kamala Harris have in common? They are both strong, admirable Black women dating white men. We see this dynamic of Black woman/white man relationships pop up all over social media and in hit shows like “How To Get Away With Murder,” “Insecure” and “Love Is Blind.”
But what is it really like to date a white man as a Black woman? Well, as a Black woman who is one year into a relationship with a white man, it consists of your conflicting internal dialogue, the side-eye from family and friends and society’s overall disapproval.
I started dating my white boyfriend shortly before the George Floyd murder and BLM protests. I was feeling so angry and overwhelmed with everything going on at the time, and it paused our relationship. While he was ready to commit, I was trying to decide if it was the right time to get into an interracial relationship.
I had to reevaluate the situation. I spent a lot of time in therapy, going back and forth and speaking with my girlfriends about their interracial relationships. It came down to the question: What are you willing to tolerate? I had to decide if I was OK with constantly educating my partner on his privilege, or making him aware of the things he can and cannot say to me based on his standing in society. While having this external dialogue with my partner, I was also consistently internally questioning myself.
You worry about how you will be perceived by people in your life, and even people you don’t know. You face the constant questions of “Are you actually together?” or being the butt of jokes. Most times you shrug it off, but sometimes it gets to you. It’s doubtful on two fronts. On one hand, you are battling your internal thoughts and having to convince yourself that this is OK. On the other hand, you have everyone around you invalidating your relationship and projecting their ideas of what they think your situation is onto you.
I spoke with one of my close friends Lindsey Mathis who is also in an interracial relationship to hear her more about her experience.
“Growing up, I always dated Black men. No one ever said anything about my judgment in men, even if they were mean to me,” said Mathis. “But now that I date a white man, people wanna psycho-analyze all of my decisions regarding men. ‘Did you give up on Black men?’ ‘You always talked like a white girl, so it makes sense.’”
Black women are always held to a higher standard than other women. They are expected to look a certain way, act a certain way and even love a certain way. But when the roles are reversed, Black men never face the same scrutiny, even when it’s rooted in self-hatred. If Black women do something outside the norm, we are shamed and told we aren’t supporting our people.
People debating your Blackness based on the person you love, or even how you speak, is rooted in anti-Blackness itself.
Briana Glasgow, a friend of mine who has been in a few interracial relationships, gave me her thoughts on dating outside of her race and society’s standards for Black women.
“I feel like society needs to change this idea that Black women who date white men hate themselves. We don’t hate our race,” said Glasgow. “I don’t hate anything about myself or the people around me or the people that look like me. I love us. I do. I just happened to fall in love with someone who didn’t look like me.”
Black women are not a monolith. We will all be different based on where we grew up, whom we grew up around and our experiences. No one ever wants to talk about how dark skin Black women were bullied and seen as undesirable among Black men for years, but now that it’s “cool” to date dark skin women, and some have chosen love outside of their race, they are being gaslighted. Black women deserve love, too.
I had to learn to take everyone out of my relationship and focus on what was best for my partner and me. I couldn’t let others’ views of our situation or society’s standards make this seem harder than it was. Yes, we realized we had to put a lot more effort into our relationship regarding communication. There would be many times we wouldn’t align on things just because our experiences were different.
I am happy to be with someone who is willing to grow, educate himself on his privilege and find ways to be a better ally for the Black community. Learning who he is as a person without the judgments of everyone else affecting my opinion, I have seen how incredibly selfless he is, always willing to help those around him. And the way that he cares for me is in a way that I have never experienced. These are all things I looked for in a significant other regardless of race.
Love is love — regardless of race, sexual orientation and social status. Do what makes you happy and leave everyone else out of it. If we allow everyone’s views and thoughts to shape our reality, we will never know happiness.
