5 steps to increase your emotional intelligence, from certified coach
By Sarah Joseph, certified emotional intelligence coach
Sarah Joseph, a certified emotional intelligence coach
To be honest with you, I haven’t always been the best at managing my emotional health. I had no idea what “regulating” or “managing” my emotions were, much less how to get started.
So how did I go from not knowing a single thing about emotional management to having it all figured out? Well, it was simply by increasing my emotional intelligence. By learning how to cultivate a deeper awareness of my emotional IQ, I was able to take control of the very emotions that hijacked so much of my life.
Before we get into the steps of how to become more emotionally intelligent, let’s define what emotional intelligence is and the many benefits of increasing your emotional IQ.
What is emotional intelligence?
To put it simply, emotional intelligence is having the capacity to understand, manage and regulate our own emotions, as well as understand the emotions of other people.
Our emotions show up in every aspect of our lives. In fact, we consciously and unconsciously depend on our emotions in ways you might not have thought of before. Our emotions keep us out of danger to maintain our survival, make short-term and long-term decisions, take action or inaction, communicate with others, build relationships, make sense of the world around us and help others understand us better.
Our emotions were no mistake. They were intelligently designed to act as our guides and directional signals to navigate life. Although they serve a purposeful function for humanity, emotions can also pose a problem when we are unable to recognize, identify, regulate, communicate and release them efficiently.
If left unchecked, these emotions can take up space and run rampant throughout our mind and our body, causing us to feel stuck, lose control and react to our external stimuli, instead of responding and creating meaningful solutions.
Increasing your emotional IQ will help you improve your conflict resolution skills, reduce emotional outbursts caused by difficult emotions, improve performance and motivation, increase emotional self-control, increase accountability, improve intuition and inspire solution-based thinking.
My proven 5-step process to increase your EI
Now, if you’re ready to master your emotions, then my five-step process to increase your emotional IQ is your ticket to success. This process narrows in on all five key elements required for your emotional mastery including self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, motivation and social skills.
Disclaimer: Your emotional management journey is completely authentic to you. Take what you need to take control and master your emotions in a way that feels right to you. Please consult a licensed professional before making any big decisions regarding your emotional management.
Self-awareness
The first and most important step when it comes to increasing your emotional IQ is emotional self-awareness or the ability to notice, recognize and identify what circumstances trigger an emotional response within you, as well as knowing what you feel, how you feel it and where you feel it in your body. Self-awareness includes a realistic self-assessment of your strengths and weaknesses along with becoming aware of your current emotional processing skills and how they can be improved to achieve greater success.
Emotional awareness starts by identifying your emotional triggers. Triggers are anything that sparks or triggers the onset of your feelings and emotional reactions. It can be linked to an environmental circumstance, a memory, an object or even a person.
Notice what feelings arise within you in association with this trigger. If you find it hard to identify what emotions you feel, try using a feelings wheel.
Next, you will want to examine your thinking. Recognizing your thoughts requires you to tune into the self-talk or dialog that occurs in your mind as you are experiencing an emotional reaction. Identify what your self-talk sounds like and notice how it may be contributing to how you think about the situation at hand. A great resource for identifying what your self-talk sounds like is by writing down every thought that comes to mind about the situation, good or bad, and what it says about you.
Finally, becoming emotionally self-aware requires you to identify your current coping mechanisms after experiencing an emotional outburst. For instance, some of us may avoid, resist or reject our feelings. You may consume or misuse alcohol or drugs to self-soothe and provide temporary relief. You may criticize yourself or others, yell or scream, have an angry outburst, overeat or undereat or avoid friends or family.
Self-regulation
Once you have worked on increasing your emotional self-awareness, it’s time to take control of those feelings through the process of self-regulation. Emotional regulation is the ability to regulate and respond to a positive or negative emotional experience.
We often cannot control what life throws our way, but we can control the way we respond and react. Being able to emotionally regulate and manage our emotions can assist in greeting and resolving our emotions in a healthy way. Getting to know the space between feeling a particular emotion and an emotional reaction allows you to slow the process down and make adjustments to your emotional control as needed.
Emotions are chemical messages that produce sensations and energy that are moving around in the body looking for a way to be released. Emotional regulation requires you to identify the emotions you are feeling and tune into what part of the body you feel the sensations in. You might notice sensations in your head, chest, neck, gut, hands, feet, etc.
Next, notice the vibration of the sensations you feel. It might be tingling, burning, heavy, suffocating, buzzing, etc. At this point, you want to calm your mind and body down by bringing yourself back to a neutral state. The best way to release these sensations is by practicing mindful breathing. This will aid in sending oxygen to the brain and body to regulate your nervous system. Some other regulation techniques include meditation, TFT tapping, deep belly breathing, nostril breathing or shaking/movement.
Emotional regulation is not only about regulating our emotions, but it’s also about regulating the mind and the thoughts that are creating these feelings. Once your body is calm, you can begin to identify the story in your mind. Get out a piece of paper and write down all the thoughts that come up. Once you have acknowledged and accepted these thoughts, practice positive self-talk. This can help to encourage resourceful thinking.
Empathy
Empathy is a critical step in developing your emotional IQ and can be done effectively once you are able to understand your own emotions. Empathy is the ability to understand the thoughts and feelings of others and recognize their emotional state from their point of view, rather than your own. It’s about putting yourself in their shoes and interpreting the situation from their perspective. Increasing your empathy skills also aids in how you can help someone else respond to their emotional needs as well.
It’s important to know the three different types of empathy – cognitive empathy, emotional empathy and compassionate empathy.
Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking.
Emotional empathy is the ability to share the feelings of another person, relate to the other person’s experience and build an emotional connection.
Compassionate empathy is the ability to take action and help in any way you can. You might offer to provide a meal, or a helpful hand. You might even offer to call them and check in every now and then or even keep them company.
Knowing which type of empathy to use and when is only a fraction of the process of increasing your empathy skills. Talking to others and interacting with more people regularly can improve your empathy skills by a long shot.
Improving your listening skills is also a key element in becoming more empathetic. Avoid cutting people off or talking over them. Allow the other person to express what and how they feel openly without interruption. Pay close attention to their feelings and use non-verbal cues such as head nods or eye contact to provide silent signals that you are indeed providing your undivided attention. Once they have expressed their concerns, you’ll want to engage in meaningful conversation by asking open-ended questions. You may ask, how did that make you feel? Or what can I do to help? Be willing to share and express your genuine thoughts and feelings as this can aid in helping them feel heard and validated for their personal experience.
Motivation
Understanding the power of motivation can help with staying consistent with the development of your emotional management skills. Emotional motivation is having the passion and action plan to fulfill your own inner needs and achieve your goals.
First, you will need to identify your emotional management goals, both short-term and long-term. Working with a coach or therapist is a great way to identify your emotional needs and create a plan for achieving them.
Next is accountability. Learning how to keep yourself accountable to this new process is fundamental to your success. You may have a friend, coach or therapist help keep you on track or you can schedule monthly check-ins with yourself to identify whether you are on track to your goals and if you need to make adjustments or improvements along the way.
Lastly, you’ll want to celebrate your accomplishments. Celebrating how far you have come, even in your emotional management, is an important part of staying committed to your “Why” and making these new skills a permanent habit. Celebrating the small wins will increase your confidence, commitment and motivation.
Social skill
The last and final part of increasing your emotional IQ is using this newfound awareness in your everyday life and enhancing your social skills. Developing better social skills involves being able to tap into your vulnerability to effectively communicate your needs, thoughts and feelings in order to build intimate and meaningful relationships with others.
Whether you’re looking to forgive someone, make a meaningful apology or have a compassionate conversation, it’s important that we build the skill to become more approachable, be better listeners, observe body language and show genuine interest in others.
Owning our vulnerability can be hard at first, but once done right, it will be your greatest superpower. Being willing to express what makes you uncomfortable often inspires others to do the same.
